Bump & Beyond | Navigating Isolation in Motherhood

When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew my life would change, and I thought I felt prepared for that change. Something that caught me off guard was how isolating being a mother can be sometimes. After delivering my second baby, I am feeling this isolation creep in again. Therefore, I wanted to bring awareness to my feelings of isolation during motherhood and share some things I have learned along the way to address these feelings.

Numerous factors can lead to the sense of isolation that comes with becoming a mother. When I reflected on my own reasons and those of others for feeling isolated after having a baby, I noticed some common themes:

• Being the first person in a friend group, or the first sibling in a family, to have a baby
• Not wanting to leave home for various reasons
• Becoming a stay-at-home parent
• Postpartum depression and anxiety
• And being the “default” parent

When I break these reasons down further, it makes a lot of sense. Let’s say you are the first person in your family or group of friends to have a baby. Sure, family members are offering you advice about your baby, but your peers in your age group aren’t in the same place in life that you are in, so it’s hard for them to relate. Your friends or siblings may be talking about the new brunch place, the latest TV series, or going out last weekend. Meanwhile, you have been feeding a baby, panic Googling if things are normal, and just trying to take an uninterrupted shower.

Being a new parent also comes with physical exhaustion from caring for a baby. If you have not gotten enough sleep, you may not feel like getting ready and leaving the house. Some days, I was just waiting until the next time I could lie down and sleep a little. It can also feel overwhelming to leave home because of the things you need to bring with you to get out of the house. I took our kids to the zoo this summer, and you would have thought we were leaving for days with the amount of stuff I had in our wagon!

Being a stay-at-home parent naturally comes with some isolation because you don’t have co-workers to chat with. Most of your day and conversations revolve around the care of your children.

Postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety can certainly contribute to the isolated feelings. This is something I am still working on after having my second baby. I will say I was more prepared this time around because of my experiences with my first child. If you want to read more about that, you can read about dealing with postpartum anxiety and depression here.

Finally, there is being the default parent. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and it isn’t always the mom who falls into this role. The “default” parent is the person who is primarily responsible for the child/children in a household. Being the “default” parent comes with a heavier mental load day-to-day because that parent carries more of the responsibilities that come with caring for a child. I don’t want this to be misunderstood. Having a “default” parent can be an incredible asset to the management of a household. As long as that person's efforts are appreciated, and the other parent is involved with and capable of taking care of the children as well. I have noticed is that, in social situations, the “default” parent aspect comes into play in ways that isolate them. Some examples of this are:

• A breastfeeding mother who needs to feed her baby at a large social gathering may find a private place to feed. She may do this for her own personal comfort, or for the comfort of the people at the gathering, but she removes herself from the conversations happening.
• A set of parents may be invited to do something, like go to the movies, go out for dinner, or attend a social gathering where kids are not welcome. Then, the default parent either has to arrange childcare or stay back to watch the children.
• The family goes to an event where children are welcome, like a family cookout, an Easter egg hunt, or a fall festival. The “default” parent often will be removed or distracted from social interactions in these scenarios in order to care for their child.

So how do we address these scenarios? I’m afraid I don’t have all the answers to this. But I do have some suggestions to help combat this common problem.

• Consider joining a mother’s group. There are local support groups, social groups, and parenting groups that are a great way to commune with other parents
• Join our Facebook page! We post educational and social content to be a resource for you and connect you with your peers.
• Get out of the house if you can. Either with your kids or by yourself! This can feel really hard. Trust me, I know! Even if you don’t have the best time, it can be so good for your mental health to get out of the house.
• Tell your partner about feeling isolated. Make them aware so they can try to help alleviate your feelings. This could look like them taking a turn with handling your child when you go out together, or making time for you to go out by yourself.
• Talk to your family too! It is hard to pack up everything you need to go visit family. Let them know how much easier it is for them to come to you. They don’t always realize what it takes to go out with kids and how their homes aren’t always ready for your kids. Not all family members will understand, but if they do, it can lead to more opportunities for them to spend time with your kids and you without the stress of packing up your whole house!
• Accept the change. This one is hard. It can be hard to hear about your friend’s road trip when your biggest flex of the week was getting your toddler to poop on the potty. But sometimes you just have to inwardly acknowledge that feeling, let go of it, and be present in the moment with your friend. Be happy for your loved ones who aren’t in this phase of life. And while it may not seem as exciting, a good friend will cheer you on for your potty-training success even if they have no advice to offer.

Isolation is difficult to talk about because I think it comes alongside becoming a parent. I hope some of this is helpful to you, or at the very least, makes you feel a little less alone in your feeling. I find being a mom to be very rewarding, and I love my girls so much. But it is also ok to mourn the days when you just had to grab your purse on the way out the door. It’s ok friend--I am right here with you!

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